Dear your majesty the Queen of England,

I write this letter with my fullest hope you will grant me my dearest request. I, Merce Ribot, being of sound mind and body have fully renounced my Spanish citizenship and I am currently in exile   in Gibraltar. I have come to realise that your Nation is the greatest of them all and I would like you to accept me as a full citizen of England for the reasons that follow.

I have always admired your Nation’s respect for law and order. I wish I could live in a country were metropolitan police carry nice hats instead of guns, were citizens are always polite and respect each other and are only loud and rude when they are drunk or in my ex country.

I was born in a country where the most celebrated sport consists of a bunch troglodytes dressed up in sparkly costumes killing bulls in front of hundreds of people. I wish we had the same style as you in choosing great nationals sports, like that one were a procession of nobleman riding their horses kill troublesome foxes.

Throughout History, you have been a shining example of diplomacy and democratic behaviour I am sure all Indian people would agree, and South African, and Nigerian, and Rhodesian, Gambian, Sierra Leonine, and Egyptian, and Australian, and Maltese. Your glorious Empire exported the fundamental concepts of property and labour to the corners of the globe where people where happy to sit about with rings through their lips singing all day.

I am ashamed to mention that my country’s contributions to the technological progress of the human race are the lowly mop and the pathetic chupa-chups. I wish I came from a nation such as yours that invented things to be proud off like radios, viagra and concentration camps.

I want to be part of a country were putting a stamp of your majesty upside down is an act of treason.

I wish to be English so I can appreciate great food like baked beans and fish fingers.

I’d love to be English so I didn’t have to learn any other language.

I want to be part of a country where dying of cancer is the most popular show on TV.

Oh I beg your majesty please bestow on me this honour to be a part of your truly awesome nation, my heart would burst with joy to know the birth place of such greats as Jim Davidson and Sir Jimmy Saville is the place I call home, I long to walk on the same soil once trod by Oliver Cromwell and Oswold Mosley, I would know rapture to sit within the hallowed halls of London and let the music of the spice girls and Darius flood over me, I yearn to be informed daily by such famously unbiased press such as the sun and the mirror, I implore your royal highness take me into the septered isle, this green and pleasant land, this GREAT Britain, This ENGLAND!!!

http://blogs.whatsonstage.com/2009/03/23/ken-campbell-lives-in-chigwell/